Sadness

Growing up, my family was absolute disorder and low-level poverty.  Mother was clinically depressed.  She slept something like 18 hours a day.  Maybe Dad was too, but he just watched t.v. all day and fought horribly with my brothers.  Cops were called on a number of occasions because of those fights.  Holes in the walls.  My parents refused to do things alone with one of them because they were afraid they would murder my dad.  My brothers hated me because I was his kid. They thought I was favored and spoiled.  But I would be spanked for things like using too much toilet paper or not finishing the dishes right.  I was called a hog in front of other family members, by my dad.

The house was disgusting.  My parents both hoarded, especially my mother.  I remember her forcing me to keep bags and bags of clothes that didn't fit or had holes in them.  She had dug them out of piles of discarded clothes from the charity shop.

The pets were eaten up with fleas.  They had infested the carpet.  Sometimes, in the summer, I would happen to walk across a spot of carpet that the dog had just been on and my legs would immediately be covered.  Lice was a problem for years.  I still have nightmares about lice. 

I was responsible to do my own laundry at 6.  I was responsible for myself entirely by then, to be honest.  My parents never taught me to properly care for myself, never looked in to make sure my clothes were clean or that I was keeping any semblance of hygiene.  And since my parents were heavy smokers, and the house was never cleaned, and the dogs/cats never bathed, I stunk.  I couldn't even understand why so few students would be friends with me.

I started struggling in school about 5th grade.  At that time, I would often come home and be told that we're going to my parents' friends' house.  My brothers were friends with their sons.  I didn't have any friends there, and there wasn't a quiet place to do homework, so it rarely got done, especially if I struggled with the material.  We would be there until 1 or 2 in the morning, would drive the 30 or 45 minutes home, and then have to get up at 7 the next morning for school.  I didn't understand how much that affected me at the time.

I wish I would've been a bit more aware, and a lot more brave to stick up for myself.  Wish I would've taken care of myself.  Even now, such a heavy sadness hangs over me when I spend too much time in thought of those years.

DLK

Update on Mochi

Mochi is still not at 100% but seems to be getting better.


I have a lot to get done today, not much ambition to do so.  I don't know why I struggle getting motivated.  I toss it up to growing up in a hoarding household, but I have to somehow train myself to be much better at tidying up.

Today's attempt includes me writing a cutesy To Do list.  Maybe its dumb, but I don't care.  Learn to love anything you have a chance to love.  :)

Husband and I are hosting a cookout Monday.  Mostly just some friends and family from his side.  I miss some old friends of mine.  But they live too far away and are too busy to travel for something like a little cookout.

I also have some sewing projects that I want to get started on.  But I will probably ly just play some Minecraft after the chores are done.

I'm worried about Mochi.  She didn't eat much yesterday and I don't think any today.  She isn't really acting all that off, but rarely do cats act sick or injured unless the issue becomes dire.  Trying to just watch her and not worry.

Jumping Beans

A co-worker took a trip to Arizona.  Came back with jumping beans to give to our leader as a gift.  But they made her uncomfortable, so now they're in the Com Room.  They creep a lot of the staff out.

My Old House

When I was a little kid, I lived in a really small town that had a large cave system beneath it.  I lived in a dome house.  Any time I think of the places I experienced my childhood in, I get kind of sad.  There's this ppart of me that mourns the childhood I wish I had.  Strange.

The house I lived in has been abandoned for over 10 years now.  I sometimes kind of want to explore the old house, partially out of curiosity, but largely out of a desire to confront it.  I still have dreams about that house.  Not really nightmares, but very... uncomfortable.

I've gone as far as looking up the house on Google Earth.  Looked all over the town, actually.  But I saved screenshots of the house.

The place is... beat down.  Has been since I lived there, but especially after the last few decades.

I think about these things a lot lately.  Don't know why.  Life is pretty great for me.  I just get such a weird emotion that I just can't describe.  It's sad and kind of unsettling, but curiously enough I have an urge to explore it.

I need to stop.  I have an early day tomorrow.

The Blog

This blog is pretty much just a dumping ground for everything.  Its purpose is pretty much so I don't inundate facebook with every stupid thought I have and the absolutely obsessive amount of photos that I take of my cat.

I don't really expect anyone to follow this, although anyone is welcomed to do so.  I'm just an average person.  I work and do stuff at home, take vacations and trips nearby
  Meh, the usual.  I guess this is more of a public journal than anything.

Okay, well that's it for now.